To my wife..

Some random thoughts...

Sent to her on Sept 22, 2009

It is difficult going through all this...
You being in pain and sick all the time it really has affected me.
I try to disassociate myself from the troubles, but find myself even more caught up in it.
Empathy has gotten the better of me I guess you could say. Getting Married seems to be the easy thing to do.
The choices through out have lead us to where we are now. My biggest guilt is not loving you more.
It is a huge conviction that I find myself taking it out on you. Yet really it is me...

How I want to be so affectionate to you. Giving you small kisses all over.. Growing old..
What does it take to get to this point? I am at point of no return head over heels running towards you.
It is crazy to think that you are my conviction, to build to love and over all the greatest sin in my life is not loving you more.

Is it even possible? Not loving you more to be sin? How I want to have a heart that grows and grows and never runs out of room.
What capacity would it even have to fill?

How blind that I am and depth that I walk. I hope that I can see...
I hope and pray that I can fight when fighting is needed. Live when life even when it is down.

What I would do to be so naive and young in my mind once again.

That's my prayer... To be naive and hold to a big heart that the world is conquerable.

So when I am with you there is so much room, so much naive in the sense of what is the norm.
And the only limitation is by what level of imagination we have.

I am sorry that I have not loved you more, nor explained how much you mean in my life.
Let alone how beautiful and what a position you have in my life.

Married..

Marriage is exactly what everyone says it is and exactly what everyone says it is not. This is very confusing I know, but when you finally get married you will begin to understand.

From the time I was a little kid and right before I got married I dreamt of being married, having my own family, and even having kids. When you hear the saying life is short.. Let me say yes this is so true. See while you are younger time passes slowly, but as time passes it decreases exponentially.

I would say that this is caused by responsibility. We all have the same amount of time, it is what we do with that time that matters. So adding to being married. You will find your time to be short and spending your time appropriately will lead to whatever success you have with it.

From my own observations I find that success in marriage is found only by the time you put into it. If you put little into it you will get little out. On the opposite if you put a lot into it then you will get a lot in return. This analogy can also be used when studying for a test. If you do not study then you may fail, however, if you do study then you may pass...

Now here is the trick... Just "studying" will not make you pass the test. The quality and the diligence behind the studying is what makes you pass the test. Not the amount of time put into studying. With all this being said here is the part that makes this a "Trick Question." Even if you are diligent and study hard, in the end you may still fail the test.

Life always has curve balls and when you are willing to take into account that you may get hit upside the head. Marriage may be right around the corner for you. Trying to figure everything out right off will never get you any closer to understanding each angle.

Marriage is about the willingness to fail, succeed, and putting in diligent time into the relationship. If one side fails to operate in this, both sides lose.

Strange how all this comes from only being married for almost seven months now..