To my wife..

Some random thoughts...

Sent to her on Sept 22, 2009

It is difficult going through all this...
You being in pain and sick all the time it really has affected me.
I try to disassociate myself from the troubles, but find myself even more caught up in it.
Empathy has gotten the better of me I guess you could say. Getting Married seems to be the easy thing to do.
The choices through out have lead us to where we are now. My biggest guilt is not loving you more.
It is a huge conviction that I find myself taking it out on you. Yet really it is me...

How I want to be so affectionate to you. Giving you small kisses all over.. Growing old..
What does it take to get to this point? I am at point of no return head over heels running towards you.
It is crazy to think that you are my conviction, to build to love and over all the greatest sin in my life is not loving you more.

Is it even possible? Not loving you more to be sin? How I want to have a heart that grows and grows and never runs out of room.
What capacity would it even have to fill?

How blind that I am and depth that I walk. I hope that I can see...
I hope and pray that I can fight when fighting is needed. Live when life even when it is down.

What I would do to be so naive and young in my mind once again.

That's my prayer... To be naive and hold to a big heart that the world is conquerable.

So when I am with you there is so much room, so much naive in the sense of what is the norm.
And the only limitation is by what level of imagination we have.

I am sorry that I have not loved you more, nor explained how much you mean in my life.
Let alone how beautiful and what a position you have in my life.